Watching David Blaine Through a Two-Way Mirror
Everything I’ve ever thought about doing to myself, David Blaine has already done: buried himself alive, shot himself in the face, stopped eating, handcuffed himself underwater, tied balloons to his back & floated 24,900 feet above sea level, honestly—it’s annoying. I’m trying to think of creative ways to die & David Blaine’s tried everything, & guess what? He’s still here, spitting frogs into champagne flutes for celebrity crowds: the Golden State Warriors, Margot Robbie, the Jonas Brothers, Drake, honestly—it’s embarrassing how much I think about David Blaine making me disappear, cutting me in half, pulling my teeth out one by one & turning them into pills in his hands—you get the gist. I’m trying to think of creative ways to die, & David Blaine’s levitating in New York City, avoiding each sidewalk crack—I’m still awake at the ass-crack of dawn, researching how to freeze myself to death knowing damn well David Blaine’s already done it. I just don’t know how much longer I can maintain this body, & it’s embarrassing how often I jump from “pass me the mic,” to “where’s the nearest exit?” I’m trying to think of creative ways to die & David Blaine’s living multiple lives, honestly—it’s annoying, how many needles he’s stuck through his hands with no consequences, how many fish hooks he’s swallowed, how he makes surviving seem so possible.
I Was Partying When You Died
I was doing a keg stand at Clarion University / I met a dude named Zack Morris / we didn’t hook up because he didn’t know the real Zack Morris / you know the one / that shit turned me off / I watched Saved by the Bell every middle school morning / you always said Zack Morris is stupid / I always said duh & sang the theme song / as loud as possible / I don’t think I’ll ever make it on time / you never told me to stop / anyways you died while I was upside down at the mercy of proxy Zack Morris / you died & I was telling the DJ to play *NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye / I had no idea you were dying while I was telling the DJ Joey Fatone is still kinda hot / we saw *NSYNC live in 2001 / at the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh / they did an encore & fake money fell from the ceiling / that night I had everything / money & pop music & your binoculars / no one even cares about binoculars anymore / it’s ridiculous / anyways you died & I wasn’t home / not even close / you died & I was throwing up in the bed of some dude’s truck / you died & I found out over text / I didn’t tell anyone / I chugged another beer & swallowed the news like puke in my mouth / I’m not mad at you I’m just saying / you took “expect the unexpected” to a whole new level / you took “expect the unexpected” & kicked it into next year / I’m just saying / you died & I can’t believe / you died / & it was the one time / I left for the weekend / You may hate me but it ain’t no lie / if I could go back / I’d take you with me
